You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
