You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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