it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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