we have pet lesbian snakes
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
