I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
