No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
