I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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