I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
