On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
