I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
