why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
