my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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