there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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