I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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