I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What drink are we having for lunch?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
