see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
