she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
