Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
