So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Randomize
