gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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