The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
