lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
