it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
