i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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