considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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