I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Found your dick twin last night
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
