She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
