Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
