I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
