My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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