My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Randomize
