The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
