you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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