you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
tonight lets celebrate not being married
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
