just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
