I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
