Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
