batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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