I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
