Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
