Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think my moral compass just broke
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
