Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
