people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Dignity is for republicans.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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