I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
