dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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