I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
