I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
