Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
