Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
