i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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