The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
